About Me

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A woman on the edge, well not really on the edge, just feels that way sometimes. I have been on the edge before so I know I am not there anymore. Thank God I am a mother of two beautiful children, a boy and a girl. They are my world, my moon, my stars my everything I thank God everyday for the blessing in my life. A wife to a man, who I don't believe has ever loved me and if he did he certainly doesn’t anymore, However, I am very thankful I no longer love him. So that is me trapped, in a loveless marriage, trying to plan an escape route. Hoping to save the money and to find courage and strength from sharing rather than keeping it to myself.

Thursday, 10 May 2012

Why I need to leave

My children

I want them to know who I am. I need them to know who their mummy is. I am funny, I laugh, I can be full of joy.

I don't think my two see enough of me being me. They see me smile, but they see me worry and limit myself and long for something more.
I want my daughter to know she is worth something, she is worth someones time and their commitment and their attention. I want her to be free to be herself knowing only she limits herself. 
I am not teaching her that. If I stay I only teach her limits and living a life that shadow of what it can be, what it should be.

I need my boy to value women. To love and respect women, to see us as equals, not people who are silly and to be belittled devalued and laughed at for having feelings and emotions.
My boy worships me, but if he learns from the relationship I have with his father what am I teaching him? There is little positivity in our relationship, other than we are still a two parent 'family'. I put less value in that everyday, what is the point in having two parents when they don't function as a unit?

My children, my loves of my life so much responsibility rest upon me as their parent to teach them and nurture them. 
You just never know if you are doing the right thing. I always feel like I am getting it wrong and the one thing that my husband and I do right is that we both love our babies, yes we show this love differently but there is love. My children love their father. I do not wish to exclude him from their life, and I love them too much to wish him away. I just need to be free of him, I need for him not to be the other half of me, but I want him to remain a part of their lives.

How do you do this? How do you do what is right for you, your children and the future. How????? How do you get it right?

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