Happy Wedding Anniversary

Well today is my 11th anniversary. The children are in bed, and I'm sitting on mine. It has been a funny old day.

I was woken up this morning by my daughter getting into bed with us. She still does this quite regularly; (at 5 years old should I be seeing this as a problem? Well even if I should, I don't). Shortly after that, my husband disappeared from the house. I did think this was strange at the time, but it didn't really concern me. I remained upstairs watching television with the children trying to have a lie-in (ooh I remember those); I didn't pay much attention to the various noises and smells  that seem to be coming from downstairs. However, soon after appeared tray with a full English breakfast for me. Well it was a good job I was sitting on the bed or I think I may have fallen over. Flabbergasted I think it's the word. I'm pretty sure my face said that to. Breakfast in bed for me? What for? It's just an ordinary day right?

Shortly after that appeared a bottle of wine for me to enjoy later, yet more shock. I think by now the bit of horror was also creeping in, at the back of my head I'm thinking ‘he better not expect anything from me’.

So I'm doing a lot of thinking this morning and I’m constantly wondering, ‘what is going on? Is he making an effort? Why is he making an effort now? Should I be making an effort? I don’t want to make an effort, maybe I should get him some socks.’

This all happened before 10 AM, I was seriously conflict it and it wasn't even midday. So usually when he would've been getting ready for work on a Saturday I noticed no movement, so I asked, aren't you going to work, the reply was no. Yet more shock and more horror touched with dread! So I go upstairs to have 5 min to myself, really wondering he's decided to make an effort why now? I head back downstairs and he's watching Formula One and I can't help but think, he's staying home has nothing to do with me it's more to do with Formula One.

So I go about my days normal, kids activities, shopping, washing loads of ironing and it around 3PM he disappears and as I see him again until after 6 this is normal I'm not used to having him around. I'm used to not having him around; truthfully I'm happier when he's not around.

He asked me a few random questions that make it clear to me he plans a night out. I'm not surprised by this in fact it brings a smile to my face. On his way out he says ‘I will be back in a bit’, I replied ‘I'll see you in the morning’. His reply ‘I shouldn't be too long I want to watch the boxing’. How did I not burst out laughing I will never know, but I did smile.

So there you go it's my 11th wedding anniversary no, it's our 11th wedding anniversary and I'm home alone with my kids and I couldn't be happier.

The children and I have had a lovely day sun, ice lollies (that they insist I open regardless of how busy I am) and playing it's been a good day.

I thought today I would cry, I thought they be lots of tears, navel gazing, and gnashing of teeth however, I’ve smiled, I've laughed and played. The world still turning and am okay.

Today everything feels achievable, today I feel hopeful. I hope it last.

Oh yes, there have been absolutely no tears.

A little bit of truth

I have finally told a friend

It was strange , we were just talking and then she asked all the right questions and for once I didn’t feel like lying, so I told her.

Not in lots of detail, but I told her more than I have told anyone else. I told her how unhappy I was, how home life bar the children was just horrendous, no sex, no warmth, no affection. I even told her about the miscarriage that happened before my eldest was born, the miscarriage that had been caused by a beating he gave me. That was the second time he beat me, but it was the last. I don’t know if that was because I fought back like a hell cat, called the police or because I miscarried the child that neither of us knew I was carrying ? Who knows, I never knew why he beat me, so I have no idea why he stopped.

She cannot understand why I stayed so long, but she didn’t judge me, at least I didn’t feel judged, I judge myself enough, I guess no one else gets a look in, I hold myself in such low esteem. She like me cannot understand why he won’t leave, she understands that is why I need to hide money away to leave, she was very helpful offered to buy me a fridge when I do go. Not sure if that is just because I was crying and listing all the things that I would need and being ever practical I started crying about fridges. (Yes I know I am a total nutter, but these are the things I think about).

She suggested that when I have enough money together rather than move out, I find him somewhere, for him and his son and pay a few months rent. Which I hadn’t even considered and it isn’t a bad plan.  Only I now hate this house and the memories it contains, but it would be much better for the children to be here and me to find away to pay the mortgage. I have checked rents on 3 bedroom houses and it isn’t that much cheaper than the mortgage.

In talking to her I suddenly felt like an abused wife. I don’t really think I am one. But I started to feel as I gave her details here and there, that this was a ridiculous situation to be in, why the hell was I in it and why had I stayed in it? I realise I am not who I was 11 years ago when we got married, I don’t smile as easily and my confidence has gone. Memories came back of him telling me I looked a mess when I was pregnant and that I needed to make more of an effort. He was right as it goes, but when baby is sitting on your sciatic nerve from month 3 of the pregnancy and you don’t have morning sickness but all day sickness up until the week before you give birth, looking good just isn’t a priority. 

As I spoke to my friend I just felt a total victim.

Then Florence The Machine came in my head Shake it Out. The song feels like my theme tune and always has me crying. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbN0nX61rIs&noredirect=1

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way,

I can see no way

And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh

But I like to keep some things to myself

I like to keep my issues drawn

It's always darkest before the dawn
And I've been fool and I've been blind

I can never leave the past behind

I can see no way, I can see no way

I'm always dragging that horse around

All of his questions, such a mournful sound

Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground

'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn

It's always darkest before the dawn

I also realised it wasn’t me, I am not a victim. Being in a bad marriage doesn’t make you a victim, so I will not wear victim clothing and I need to stop playing the victim. I also realised I have made many mistakes, countless. If I was married to me, would I still love me? I am far from faultless. No I never earned a beating, but there may be plenty of the toxic parts of this relationship that I am deserving of. 


That old BT advert is right, it is indeed good to talk

Going out

I left the house…

Don’t get me wrong I leave the house every day; I have a full-time job and two school aged children. But this time I left the house totally and selfishly for me, no children and no pretending to be a happy family unit. Just me and a handbag!

Amazing, well it is for me. It was nothing spectacular just a Friday evening, dinner and the cinema with a two friends. I was home by 12.30am.

I really wanted to go, mainly because I never go out and also because I realise how much I have cut myself off from having real relationships with my friends and family. I hold myself totally responsibly for this, no one else.

Oh but then I woke up feeling guilty on Friday morning, said very little to the other half (nothing new there), but I let him know, he had to be home as I wouldn’t be, (it is not babysitting when they are your children and they are his children). As I got ready, just jeans and a top, I drew very little attention to myself, but it wasn’t long before my little lady appeared.

Child: Are you going out mum,         Me: yes later not just now,

Child: Can I come?                          Me: no not really shall we go watch TV

Child: I'm coming shall I get ready,   Me: no you don’t need to get ready, I’m not going anywhere just now,

This went on for some time, with me growing increasingly apprehensive as the interaction continued.

My usual easy going son then decided he wasn’t well, and he looked the part, I even got the Capol out, as he decided he was too unwell to finish his dinner.

It was at that point everything in me screamed don't go, where are you going? Your children need you ! (Yes , yes I know, but I never said I wasn’t prone to drama). My husband looking on silently challenging me, of course not saying a word, so I knew I had to go, even though at that point I didn’t feel like going anywhere anymore. I never go ‘out’ and I never go alone, so I did.

No one cried, no one died and I had a nice evening.

As the night went on it became clearer and clearer to me why I don’t go out. It is very hard to interact with people and hide yourself, your thoughts and feelings from them at the same time. When you are with your friends you engage, you share, it is damn near impossible to act your way through your interaction.

In case you are wondering we went for a curry and then saw the Avengers. I very much enjoyed both and the company too.

I am also well aware I cannot afford a social life.

On Hold

I am so lost at the moment. It feels like my life is on hold and I am waiting for it to start, but I don’t want to wait, I want my life to start now, today. I want everything to happen, NOW, TODAY. All this planning waiting it isn’t really a part of my character at all.

Today, my husband and I have exchanged less than 10 words to each other, less than 10 words, when we are weeks away from our 11^th anniversary, what a joke, only no one is laughing and I appear to be the punch-line.

I am so flaming lonely. I could handle being alone if I was alone, but I have someone  who I share a bed with who I cannot communicate with, who refuses to communicate with me, who I no longer wish to communicate with either. Ahhhhh! I could scream, but I would probably never stop, just end up as an endless screaming hysterical woman.

I have ended up isolating myself from my friends and family as I do not want them to know about the state of things, so it is easier to say nothing at all than to say something. So I keep things light and superficial. Of course they know there is a problem, but I guess there is only so many times you can hear your friend cry about the same thing and not want to shake her and tell her to get a clue (I know that is the point I would be at if the tables were turned). I get it, I understand really I do. I just do not feel like I can talk to anyone. I feel a fool, I feel to talk about it to people I know advertises the fact I am, I have been and I continue to be a fool.

I also for my sins have managed to end up with some random guy I used to work with fishing around, calling me and sending me text, telling me how much he cares, bog off. The last thing I need is a man, and a man who is interested in a married woman couldn’t be really that much of an upgrade from the whole I am currently in.

I am annoyed with myself too, because in with all this loneliness, anxiety and anger I have this plan in my head. Save your money, keep your mouth shut, it will all be over soon………….But at the same time I am wondering, are you sure, wouldn’t it be better to stay, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, do you really want to end up alone, what about the children, what if you make all your lives worse.

Yes I could give an endless scream, a never ending noise that resonates from my toes right through my being up perforating every follicle of my hair.  

My two

My children are incredible and just like most parents I enjoy time spent with them. So it being the weekend and not having to go to work and have time with them is great.

Much of this weekend has been spent telling them off for various bits of behaviour and begging them to be quiet. I have really enjoyed their company, but man they are loud. I have always loved my children; there is no point where even in the height of shouting about something or telling them to shut it, that I don't love them.

When they were babies I was totally in love with them, just counted fingers and toes all the time and cried because I couldn’t believe how beautiful they were (still are too) and that I had produced them. Honestly I gave my husband no credit at all. I was thankful to God and impressed with myself. I know it’s ridiculous and even more so because they both look like dad not like me (I just got the stretch-marks and c-section scars). Oh and that baby smell, oh that baby smell, nothing smells better than your baby (apart form poo time, of course). 

Then I think I stopped being in love with them and I just loved them, but loved them completely, but that awe, that heart stopping breath taking, crying love, had chilled out. 

I have noticed as they get older, Boy 7 and Girl 5, I am experiencing that in love feeling again, they say something, or do something and it takes my breath away. I am in awe of what they can do, the way they think the conversations that they have. They are far more advanced than I was at their age, I really do think they are brilliant. 

I constantly have to remind my girl she is 5 I swear, she thinks she is 21 and the way she talks, they things she says, her use of logic and the ways she moves; she is a little woman, worrying so sometimes, but stunning. I find myself thinking 'when I grow up I want to be just like you'. She is so determined and strong willed, I do I want to be like her, I think maybe I once was.

Then there is my boy, my smart, thinker of a child, who is a sensitive soul always on a quest for answers and solutions. Trying to work out how the world works and his place in it. I often think, don’t change, you will grow to be such a good man, just don’t change, but of course he will.

In short my children are amazing, remarkable, wonderful and incredible; I just thought I would share that with you. 

Xx 

So why am I still here

If anyone is reading this you maybe thinking why doesn't she just leave?

I am scared
I am weak 
I am trying to be strong and courageous.
But it doesn't feel like that's who I am any more. 
Where is the girl I used to be?


He will not leave, he says he will not walk away from the house, not me, not the marriage, not our kids. But this silly fixeruper that we bought, that we never fixed up, as the children came along and that is where our money went. If we aren't in negative equity we are near enough. But no.
So it looks like, me and my children will have to face even more disruption and walk away from our home, their school, friends etc....
This makes me so angry. Why can't he see that it best thing for our children for him to go.


He just doesn't take me seriously. I have asked him to go, so many times, but no, he will not budge. But why??? He doesn't love me. I know he doesn't, I live with him, we hardly speak to each other, we are rarely in the same room. He spends all his time on his phone, or sending various single man type text on his phone and emails to various women, I know this, because I used to care so, I used to check. Thank God he works nights and I work days, I can't imagine if we had to spend more time together. 


For me to go with my children, I need funds. It seems my husband will not support us if I go, so if I do screwed am I. No screwed are me and my children. 


I earn a good wage and yes while in this marriage he contributes. So now as of this month I am hiding away bits of money from myself and from him.


I hope that by the begin of next year I will be able to make my move, one way or another.


I'm trying to think ahead.
Play the long game 
Just hold on. 
There is so much to consider, so much to take into account, my head spins, I just feel like I am going to fail my children and mess up everything for them. Is it better just to stay?


That's why I need this blog, I have to keep my head up, keep planning, keep looking ahead but not let it show, just in case he pulls the plug, I hate to think what could be the consequences of him finding out that I am planning an exit.


I am fighting to keep my sanity

I miss cuddles

The thing about being married is surely you shouldn't have to miss and crave attention, should you?


How the hell did things go so wrong?
I wish I knew, truth is it no longer matters, I no longer have a desire to fix this mess that has become my marriage.   


So given that, why do I still long for a cuddle? I want affection!
Thank God for the kids, or I would just be longing for human touch. This makes me so sad.


I hate the fact we still share a bed. Contradiction I know. Damn this stupid 3 bedroom house. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. My children share a room, my stepson, now 19 in another room, much like his father refusing to move out!


I guess if either of us get desperate we could use each other, for affection. I don't think either of us want that, I surely don't, I hate when he touches me hate it. I am so grateful we are in bed so rarely together, he works nights, so we only have weekends together, and he comes to bed long after I have fallen asleep.


But I do want a cuddle, a hug while watching the TV, someone to stroke my back, some adult conversation from an adult who is interested in me, wants to talk t me.


How long can this go on for?


Sanity don't leave me now!

Why I need to leave

My children

I want them to know who I am. I need them to know who their mummy is. I am funny, I laugh, I can be full of joy.


I don't think my two see enough of me being me. They see me smile, but they see me worry and limit myself and long for something more.
I want my daughter to know she is worth something, she is worth someones time and their commitment and their attention. I want her to be free to be herself knowing only she limits herself. 
I am not teaching her that. If I stay I only teach her limits and living a life that shadow of what it can be, what it should be.


I need my boy to value women. To love and respect women, to see us as equals, not people who are silly and to be belittled devalued and laughed at for having feelings and emotions.
My boy worships me, but if he learns from the relationship I have with his father what am I teaching him? There is little positivity in our relationship, other than we are still a two parent 'family'. I put less value in that everyday, what is the point in having two parents when they don't function as a unit?


My children, my loves of my life so much responsibility rest upon me as their parent to teach them and nurture them. 
You just never know if you are doing the right thing. I always feel like I am getting it wrong and the one thing that my husband and I do right is that we both love our babies, yes we show this love differently but there is love. My children love their father. I do not wish to exclude him from their life, and I love them too much to wish him away. I just need to be free of him, I need for him not to be the other half of me, but I want him to remain a part of their lives.


How do you do this? How do you do what is right for you, your children and the future. How????? How do you get it right?

How to blog????

How does this work then?

Do i just let what is in my head flow?

I mean that could be potentially dangerous, I know, I know me.

Also with my dyslexic head, I do worry about my poor spelling too. It is a worry.

The idea behind me blogging is trying to face the truth, I am not good about being honest with myself and putting it out there about what the truth is.

You live a lie for long enough you start to believe it and it gets easier to live the lie than face the truth.

First attempt

All of this is new to me. I have no clue what i am doing.
If you have any tips, please feel free to pass them on, but to be honest I cannot imagine that any one would read my musings.


For now this will do, back to the day job.