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A woman on the edge, well not really on the edge, just feels that way sometimes. I have been on the edge before so I know I am not there anymore. Thank God I am a mother of two beautiful children, a boy and a girl. They are my world, my moon, my stars my everything I thank God everyday for the blessing in my life. A wife to a man, who I don't believe has ever loved me and if he did he certainly doesn’t anymore, However, I am very thankful I no longer love him. So that is me trapped, in a loveless marriage, trying to plan an escape route. Hoping to save the money and to find courage and strength from sharing rather than keeping it to myself.

Saturday, 26 May 2012

Happy Wedding Anniversary

Well today is my 11th anniversary. The children are in bed, and I'm sitting on mine. It has been a funny old day.

I was woken up this morning by my daughter getting into bed with us. She still does this quite regularly; (at 5 years old should I be seeing this as a problem? Well even if I should, I don't). Shortly after that, my husband disappeared from the house. I did think this was strange at the time, but it didn't really concern me. I remained upstairs watching television with the children trying to have a lie-in (ooh I remember those); I didn't pay much attention to the various noises and smells  that seem to be coming from downstairs. However, soon after appeared tray with a full English breakfast for me. Well it was a good job I was sitting on the bed or I think I may have fallen over. Flabbergasted I think it's the word. I'm pretty sure my face said that to. Breakfast in bed for me? What for? It's just an ordinary day right?
Shortly after that appeared a bottle of wine for me to enjoy later, yet more shock. I think by now the bit of horror was also creeping in, at the back of my head I'm thinking ‘he better not expect anything from me’.

So I'm doing a lot of thinking this morning and I’m constantly wondering, ‘what is going on? Is he making an effort? Why is he making an effort now? Should I be making an effort? I don’t want to make an effort, maybe I should get him some socks.’

This all happened before 10 AM, I was seriously conflict it and it wasn't even midday. So usually when he would've been getting ready for work on a Saturday I noticed no movement, so I asked, aren't you going to work, the reply was no. Yet more shock and more horror touched with dread! So I go upstairs to have 5 min to myself, really wondering he's decided to make an effort why now? I head back downstairs and he's watching Formula One and I can't help but think, he's staying home has nothing to do with me it's more to do with Formula One.

So I go about my days normal, kids activities, shopping, washing loads of ironing and it around 3PM he disappears and as I see him again until after 6 this is normal I'm not used to having him around. I'm used to not having him around; truthfully I'm happier when he's not around.

He asked me a few random questions that make it clear to me he plans a night out. I'm not surprised by this in fact it brings a smile to my face. On his way out he says ‘I will be back in a bit’, I replied ‘I'll see you in the morning’. His reply ‘I shouldn't be too long I want to watch the boxing’. How did I not burst out laughing I will never know, but I did smile.

So there you go it's my 11th wedding anniversary no, it's our 11th wedding anniversary and I'm home alone with my kids and I couldn't be happier.
The children and I have had a lovely day sun, ice lollies (that they insist I open regardless of how busy I am) and playing it's been a good day.
I thought today I would cry, I thought they be lots of tears, navel gazing, and gnashing of teeth however, I’ve smiled, I've laughed and played. The world still turning and am okay.

Today everything feels achievable, today I feel hopeful. I hope it last.

Oh yes, there have been absolutely no tears.

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