About Me

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A woman on the edge, well not really on the edge, just feels that way sometimes. I have been on the edge before so I know I am not there anymore. Thank God I am a mother of two beautiful children, a boy and a girl. They are my world, my moon, my stars my everything I thank God everyday for the blessing in my life. A wife to a man, who I don't believe has ever loved me and if he did he certainly doesn’t anymore, However, I am very thankful I no longer love him. So that is me trapped, in a loveless marriage, trying to plan an escape route. Hoping to save the money and to find courage and strength from sharing rather than keeping it to myself.

Sunday, 20 May 2012

Going out

I left the house…

Don’t get me wrong I leave the house every day; I have a full-time job and two school aged children. But this time I left the house totally and selfishly for me, no children and no pretending to be a happy family unit. Just me and a handbag!

Amazing, well it is for me. It was nothing spectacular just a Friday evening, dinner and the cinema with a two friends. I was home by 12.30am.
I really wanted to go, mainly because I never go out and also because I realise how much I have cut myself off from having real relationships with my friends and family. I hold myself totally responsibly for this, no one else.
Oh but then I woke up feeling guilty on Friday morning, said very little to the other half (nothing new there), but I let him know, he had to be home as I wouldn’t be, (it is not babysitting when they are your children and they are his children). As I got ready, just jeans and a top, I drew very little attention to myself, but it wasn’t long before my little lady appeared.

Child: Are you going out mum,         Me: yes later not just now,
Child: Can I come?                          Me: no not really shall we go watch TV
Child: I'm coming shall I get ready,   Me: no you don’t need to get ready, I’m not going anywhere just now,

This went on for some time, with me growing increasingly apprehensive as the interaction continued.
My usual easy going son then decided he wasn’t well, and he looked the part, I even got the Capol out, as he decided he was too unwell to finish his dinner.

It was at that point everything in me screamed don't go, where are you going? Your children need you ! (Yes , yes I know, but I never said I wasn’t prone to drama). My husband looking on silently challenging me, of course not saying a word, so I knew I had to go, even though at that point I didn’t feel like going anywhere anymore. I never go ‘out’ and I never go alone, so I did.
No one cried, no one died and I had a nice evening.

As the night went on it became clearer and clearer to me why I don’t go out. It is very hard to interact with people and hide yourself, your thoughts and feelings from them at the same time. When you are with your friends you engage, you share, it is damn near impossible to act your way through your interaction.

In case you are wondering we went for a curry and then saw the Avengers. I very much enjoyed both and the company too.

I am also well aware I cannot afford a social life.

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