If anyone is reading this you maybe thinking why doesn't she just leave?
I am scared
I am weak
I am trying to be strong and courageous.
But it doesn't feel like that's who I am any more.
Where is the girl I used to be?
He will not leave, he says he will not walk away from the house, not me, not the marriage, not our kids. But this silly fixeruper that we bought, that we never fixed up, as the children came along and that is where our money went. If we aren't in negative equity we are near enough. But no.
So it looks like, me and my children will have to face even more disruption and walk away from our home, their school, friends etc....
This makes me so angry. Why can't he see that it best thing for our children for him to go.
He just doesn't take me seriously. I have asked him to go, so many times, but no, he will not budge. But why??? He doesn't love me. I know he doesn't, I live with him, we hardly speak to each other, we are rarely in the same room. He spends all his time on his phone, or sending various single man type text on his phone and emails to various women, I know this, because I used to care so, I used to check. Thank God he works nights and I work days, I can't imagine if we had to spend more time together.
For me to go with my children, I need funds. It seems my husband will not support us if I go, so if I do screwed am I. No screwed are me and my children.
I earn a good wage and yes while in this marriage he contributes. So now as of this month I am hiding away bits of money from myself and from him.
I hope that by the begin of next year I will be able to make my move, one way or another.
I'm trying to think ahead.
Play the long game
Just hold on.
There is so much to consider, so much to take into account, my head spins, I just feel like I am going to fail my children and mess up everything for them. Is it better just to stay?
That's why I need this blog, I have to keep my head up, keep planning, keep looking ahead but not let it show, just in case he pulls the plug, I hate to think what could be the consequences of him finding out that I am planning an exit.
I am fighting to keep my sanity