About Me

My photo
A woman on the edge, well not really on the edge, just feels that way sometimes. I have been on the edge before so I know I am not there anymore. Thank God I am a mother of two beautiful children, a boy and a girl. They are my world, my moon, my stars my everything I thank God everyday for the blessing in my life. A wife to a man, who I don't believe has ever loved me and if he did he certainly doesn’t anymore, However, I am very thankful I no longer love him. So that is me trapped, in a loveless marriage, trying to plan an escape route. Hoping to save the money and to find courage and strength from sharing rather than keeping it to myself.

Friday, 11 May 2012

So why am I still here

If anyone is reading this you maybe thinking why doesn't she just leave?

I am scared
I am weak 
I am trying to be strong and courageous.
But it doesn't feel like that's who I am any more. 
Where is the girl I used to be?

He will not leave, he says he will not walk away from the house, not me, not the marriage, not our kids. But this silly fixeruper that we bought, that we never fixed up, as the children came along and that is where our money went. If we aren't in negative equity we are near enough. But no.
So it looks like, me and my children will have to face even more disruption and walk away from our home, their school, friends etc....
This makes me so angry. Why can't he see that it best thing for our children for him to go.

He just doesn't take me seriously. I have asked him to go, so many times, but no, he will not budge. But why??? He doesn't love me. I know he doesn't, I live with him, we hardly speak to each other, we are rarely in the same room. He spends all his time on his phone, or sending various single man type text on his phone and emails to various women, I know this, because I used to care so, I used to check. Thank God he works nights and I work days, I can't imagine if we had to spend more time together. 

For me to go with my children, I need funds. It seems my husband will not support us if I go, so if I do screwed am I. No screwed are me and my children. 

I earn a good wage and yes while in this marriage he contributes. So now as of this month I am hiding away bits of money from myself and from him.

I hope that by the begin of next year I will be able to make my move, one way or another.

I'm trying to think ahead.
Play the long game 
Just hold on. 
There is so much to consider, so much to take into account, my head spins, I just feel like I am going to fail my children and mess up everything for them. Is it better just to stay?

That's why I need this blog, I have to keep my head up, keep planning, keep looking ahead but not let it show, just in case he pulls the plug, I hate to think what could be the consequences of him finding out that I am planning an exit.

I am fighting to keep my sanity


  1. oh my god you poor woman.I cannot think how hard this must be for you. I came here via BritMums and I am really taken aback by your blog.I am sitting here wracking my brains as to what you could do, where you could go.Just keep going, keep plodding on. There will be a light at the end of your tunnel. Take care of yourself. Sarah x

    1. Thank you for commenting Sarah.
      I will keep plodding on. It is a strange situation, as it feels like am living my life on pause almost. I would love to do something drastic and spontaneous, but motherhood and funding don't allow for that. But such is life, at least for now. I am hopeful, i plan to stay hopeful. X

  2. Hi from http://mumconfidential.wordpress.com/ isn't there someone in the family or a friend that you can trust you can confide in? I had no one when I was experiencing the same things, although I wasn't married to him and I eventually took it upon myself to go to my housing association (council) and explain to them I was scared and worrying about my kids with the atmosphere around the house and went into detail of what was happening, who got me in touch with a woman's shelter who then rang me up and I had to pretend to the now ex that I was on the phone to my auntie, they asked me questions and then they rang me back while we they did out paperwork and such then told me to pack a bag with stuff for me and my daughter and grab as much money as possible and meet them at Whitley Bay Metro.

    Yes I was a bit apprehensive but surely it had to be better than living with an abusive drunk! Got there and got settled into a room and then went back for the rest of my stuff at the weekend with two police officers and have never looked back!

    If you need anything or just want to let off steam then please contact me through my blog!