On Hold

I am so lost at the moment. It feels like my life is on hold and I am waiting for it to start, but I don’t want to wait, I want my life to start now, today. I want everything to happen, NOW, TODAY. All this planning waiting it isn’t really a part of my character at all.

Today, my husband and I have exchanged less than 10 words to each other, less than 10 words, when we are weeks away from our 11^th anniversary, what a joke, only no one is laughing and I appear to be the punch-line.

I am so flaming lonely. I could handle being alone if I was alone, but I have someone  who I share a bed with who I cannot communicate with, who refuses to communicate with me, who I no longer wish to communicate with either. Ahhhhh! I could scream, but I would probably never stop, just end up as an endless screaming hysterical woman.

I have ended up isolating myself from my friends and family as I do not want them to know about the state of things, so it is easier to say nothing at all than to say something. So I keep things light and superficial. Of course they know there is a problem, but I guess there is only so many times you can hear your friend cry about the same thing and not want to shake her and tell her to get a clue (I know that is the point I would be at if the tables were turned). I get it, I understand really I do. I just do not feel like I can talk to anyone. I feel a fool, I feel to talk about it to people I know advertises the fact I am, I have been and I continue to be a fool.

I also for my sins have managed to end up with some random guy I used to work with fishing around, calling me and sending me text, telling me how much he cares, bog off. The last thing I need is a man, and a man who is interested in a married woman couldn’t be really that much of an upgrade from the whole I am currently in.

I am annoyed with myself too, because in with all this loneliness, anxiety and anger I have this plan in my head. Save your money, keep your mouth shut, it will all be over soon………….But at the same time I am wondering, are you sure, wouldn’t it be better to stay, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, do you really want to end up alone, what about the children, what if you make all your lives worse.

Yes I could give an endless scream, a never ending noise that resonates from my toes right through my being up perforating every follicle of my hair.