A little bit of truth

I have finally told a friend

It was strange , we were just talking and then she asked all the right questions and for once I didn’t feel like lying, so I told her.

Not in lots of detail, but I told her more than I have told anyone else. I told her how unhappy I was, how home life bar the children was just horrendous, no sex, no warmth, no affection. I even told her about the miscarriage that happened before my eldest was born, the miscarriage that had been caused by a beating he gave me. That was the second time he beat me, but it was the last. I don’t know if that was because I fought back like a hell cat, called the police or because I miscarried the child that neither of us knew I was carrying ? Who knows, I never knew why he beat me, so I have no idea why he stopped.

She cannot understand why I stayed so long, but she didn’t judge me, at least I didn’t feel judged, I judge myself enough, I guess no one else gets a look in, I hold myself in such low esteem. She like me cannot understand why he won’t leave, she understands that is why I need to hide money away to leave, she was very helpful offered to buy me a fridge when I do go. Not sure if that is just because I was crying and listing all the things that I would need and being ever practical I started crying about fridges. (Yes I know I am a total nutter, but these are the things I think about).

She suggested that when I have enough money together rather than move out, I find him somewhere, for him and his son and pay a few months rent. Which I hadn’t even considered and it isn’t a bad plan.  Only I now hate this house and the memories it contains, but it would be much better for the children to be here and me to find away to pay the mortgage. I have checked rents on 3 bedroom houses and it isn’t that much cheaper than the mortgage.

In talking to her I suddenly felt like an abused wife. I don’t really think I am one. But I started to feel as I gave her details here and there, that this was a ridiculous situation to be in, why the hell was I in it and why had I stayed in it? I realise I am not who I was 11 years ago when we got married, I don’t smile as easily and my confidence has gone. Memories came back of him telling me I looked a mess when I was pregnant and that I needed to make more of an effort. He was right as it goes, but when baby is sitting on your sciatic nerve from month 3 of the pregnancy and you don’t have morning sickness but all day sickness up until the week before you give birth, looking good just isn’t a priority. 

As I spoke to my friend I just felt a total victim.

Then Florence The Machine came in my head Shake it Out. The song feels like my theme tune and always has me crying. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbN0nX61rIs&noredirect=1

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way,

I can see no way

And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh

But I like to keep some things to myself

I like to keep my issues drawn

It's always darkest before the dawn
And I've been fool and I've been blind

I can never leave the past behind

I can see no way, I can see no way

I'm always dragging that horse around

All of his questions, such a mournful sound

Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground

'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn

It's always darkest before the dawn

I also realised it wasn’t me, I am not a victim. Being in a bad marriage doesn’t make you a victim, so I will not wear victim clothing and I need to stop playing the victim. I also realised I have made many mistakes, countless. If I was married to me, would I still love me? I am far from faultless. No I never earned a beating, but there may be plenty of the toxic parts of this relationship that I am deserving of. 


That old BT advert is right, it is indeed good to talk

So why am I still here

If anyone is reading this you maybe thinking why doesn't she just leave?

I am scared
I am weak 
I am trying to be strong and courageous.
But it doesn't feel like that's who I am any more. 
Where is the girl I used to be?


He will not leave, he says he will not walk away from the house, not me, not the marriage, not our kids. But this silly fixeruper that we bought, that we never fixed up, as the children came along and that is where our money went. If we aren't in negative equity we are near enough. But no.
So it looks like, me and my children will have to face even more disruption and walk away from our home, their school, friends etc....
This makes me so angry. Why can't he see that it best thing for our children for him to go.


He just doesn't take me seriously. I have asked him to go, so many times, but no, he will not budge. But why??? He doesn't love me. I know he doesn't, I live with him, we hardly speak to each other, we are rarely in the same room. He spends all his time on his phone, or sending various single man type text on his phone and emails to various women, I know this, because I used to care so, I used to check. Thank God he works nights and I work days, I can't imagine if we had to spend more time together. 


For me to go with my children, I need funds. It seems my husband will not support us if I go, so if I do screwed am I. No screwed are me and my children. 


I earn a good wage and yes while in this marriage he contributes. So now as of this month I am hiding away bits of money from myself and from him.


I hope that by the begin of next year I will be able to make my move, one way or another.


I'm trying to think ahead.
Play the long game 
Just hold on. 
There is so much to consider, so much to take into account, my head spins, I just feel like I am going to fail my children and mess up everything for them. Is it better just to stay?


That's why I need this blog, I have to keep my head up, keep planning, keep looking ahead but not let it show, just in case he pulls the plug, I hate to think what could be the consequences of him finding out that I am planning an exit.


I am fighting to keep my sanity