A little bit of truth

I have finally told a friend

It was strange , we were just talking and then she asked all the right questions and for once I didn’t feel like lying, so I told her.

Not in lots of detail, but I told her more than I have told anyone else. I told her how unhappy I was, how home life bar the children was just horrendous, no sex, no warmth, no affection. I even told her about the miscarriage that happened before my eldest was born, the miscarriage that had been caused by a beating he gave me. That was the second time he beat me, but it was the last. I don’t know if that was because I fought back like a hell cat, called the police or because I miscarried the child that neither of us knew I was carrying ? Who knows, I never knew why he beat me, so I have no idea why he stopped.

She cannot understand why I stayed so long, but she didn’t judge me, at least I didn’t feel judged, I judge myself enough, I guess no one else gets a look in, I hold myself in such low esteem. She like me cannot understand why he won’t leave, she understands that is why I need to hide money away to leave, she was very helpful offered to buy me a fridge when I do go. Not sure if that is just because I was crying and listing all the things that I would need and being ever practical I started crying about fridges. (Yes I know I am a total nutter, but these are the things I think about).

She suggested that when I have enough money together rather than move out, I find him somewhere, for him and his son and pay a few months rent. Which I hadn’t even considered and it isn’t a bad plan.  Only I now hate this house and the memories it contains, but it would be much better for the children to be here and me to find away to pay the mortgage. I have checked rents on 3 bedroom houses and it isn’t that much cheaper than the mortgage.

In talking to her I suddenly felt like an abused wife. I don’t really think I am one. But I started to feel as I gave her details here and there, that this was a ridiculous situation to be in, why the hell was I in it and why had I stayed in it? I realise I am not who I was 11 years ago when we got married, I don’t smile as easily and my confidence has gone. Memories came back of him telling me I looked a mess when I was pregnant and that I needed to make more of an effort. He was right as it goes, but when baby is sitting on your sciatic nerve from month 3 of the pregnancy and you don’t have morning sickness but all day sickness up until the week before you give birth, looking good just isn’t a priority. 

As I spoke to my friend I just felt a total victim.

Then Florence The Machine came in my head Shake it Out. The song feels like my theme tune and always has me crying. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbN0nX61rIs&noredirect=1

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way,

I can see no way

And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh

But I like to keep some things to myself

I like to keep my issues drawn

It's always darkest before the dawn
And I've been fool and I've been blind

I can never leave the past behind

I can see no way, I can see no way

I'm always dragging that horse around

All of his questions, such a mournful sound

Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground

'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn

It's always darkest before the dawn

I also realised it wasn’t me, I am not a victim. Being in a bad marriage doesn’t make you a victim, so I will not wear victim clothing and I need to stop playing the victim. I also realised I have made many mistakes, countless. If I was married to me, would I still love me? I am far from faultless. No I never earned a beating, but there may be plenty of the toxic parts of this relationship that I am deserving of. 


That old BT advert is right, it is indeed good to talk