My news

So the biggest news this summer was discovering he was cheating. This was hardly a surprise. I suspected it many times but he has always tried to convince me it was in my head, my imagination, my being paranoid. A few times he had me convinced too, but most of the time my gut always knew. I am never believe a woman doesn't know, you can just feel it, I don't think men are that good at lying they cannot have 2 women on the go and something not tell somewhere.

So I confronted him, needless to say it was all my fault (yes there is a pattern here, everything tends to be my fault). However I exploded, I didn't cry, I didn't behave like the hurt woman does, I acted like the angry I don't cry woman. I had the women's number written down and I was waving it around. He grappled me no without fear, I looked at him and said "you better make it good and leave a bruise". I've never seen such shock and the realisation must have hit him, that I cared but for all the wrong reasons, I cared about the lie, I cared because he hadn't left me and gone to her. I was, I still am really angry about it, you've gone and got yourself another woman so why the hell are you still here making my life a mystery??? I mean what is that about?

The only problem with my explosion was that the children were home. So they have heard mummy at her worse They have heard me tell him to leave, they have heard me confront him about his girl friend. So now, I have a 6 year old girl who thinks her mummy is a witch as as she put it "running her daddy out the house", she has told me, well they both have told me they don't want him to go. My 7 year old son, seems to have some understanding of what he heard, he gets daddy's don't have girl friends. Both of my children are watching their parents like hawks, every time dad goes to the toilet I get has daddy gone. So yes I am now a failed wife and a bad mum, flaming fabulous.

He has agreed to leave, but I have no timeline, I think maybe he gets it this time but I just want him gone.

Small Atom Bomb

Well I decided that my next entry was going to be a positive one about my little girl’s first performance on stage, (I can be positive; I know it is just not coming across).

She was fabulous, she was a real star and I don’t mind telling you I didn’t think she would be that good, but I was so impressed I thought I would combust with pride. We went to see her as a family, the first thing we have done as a family for awhile and her brother thought she was fab too, and my 7 year old boy isn’t easy to please and he said he would give her 3 stars (high praise). Daddy too was pleased and he made a big show of making sure our baby knew how proud he was. Friday was a good night a really good night. She performed on Sunday too, but I didn’t watch the repeat performance but she was please with herself, I don’t remember being that brave at 5 years old.

However, then the Jubilee weekend went downhill from there.

This is what happens when you bottle things up and try and keep quiet, at least this is what happens to me. You don’t need to speak your mind all the time, but it is never a good idea to keep it all stored up, I'm sure it is not healthy either, but I try and remind myself to make an effort for the children.

Saturday night, Sunday night Monday night, my husband went out and slept all day in the day. It has rained non-stop and my poor children have been wonderful but have had no family time since Friday, as daddy has slept all day or being in the process of going out. As much as my husband and I don’t see eye to eye I think every effort should be made for the children.

Sunday night he went out without even a goodbye, the children were still awake and very much aware of Daddy walking out. He then came back after they went to bed. So I couldn’t hold my peace and asked if he felt that was the way to behave in front of the children, things then escalated and I asked him, why are you still here, I don’t want you here you don’t want to be here. I got nothing in response he just went back out again. Me, I cried myself to sleep, feeling a fool.

Today, he takes my car and once again disappears, I had plans, but oh no he has gone with my flaming car, so yes I sat and flumed until his return. I tried to be calm but I just couldn’t do it. I sent the kids outside in coats and proceeded to explode like a small atom bomb. I have no real idea of what I said, but I know I begged him to leave, told him if he didn’t I would have to go and this madness was damaging for the children. He then said he wouldn’t leave his house unless I paid him, which made me worse. I told him I had done my research and I could get my name taken of the deed , so I said fine you can have the house the bills the lot I will move away with our children ( I have no clue if what I said is true), I went on about checking out getting a quickie divorce on line. At that point he seemed to get it. Or at least for a while at least, when I saw that he seemed to be paying attention I calmed down and offered to help him find somewhere and pay the first month’s rent. Fool I know but anything to end this torture. He said ok, I almost fell over; I was so pleased I started talking total rubbish about timelines and other such nonsense. Then we started to talk to each other, as in talking like normal people talk, we talked about how we needed to learn to be friends for the sake of the children and I agreed I would never keep him from his children. We agreed it was for the best and needed and then he went out again (don’t ask me where he is going, I don’t know, I don’t care).  

I then start getting stupid text messages about, how much he will miss me and how hard I will find everything. After the 3^rd text message I respond with, yes I will miss you being there for the children but none of us are happy and while I will cry for a long time, sooner or later the tears will stop and I will be happy again.

I have no idea what is going on, I am not sure what he is thinking and we are just not used to talking to each other and I don’t think either of us know how to do it. He says I talk in a way that provokes him and I feel much the same way about him. So I’m still in limbo, just a bit less of it.

I feel better in a way as I feel it’s all there, he cannot seriously just think it’s all talk any more, but as for what happens next and when I am still none the wiser.

It has been a very odd weekend, no more jubilees please. God Save the Queen.

My two

My children are incredible and just like most parents I enjoy time spent with them. So it being the weekend and not having to go to work and have time with them is great.

Much of this weekend has been spent telling them off for various bits of behaviour and begging them to be quiet. I have really enjoyed their company, but man they are loud. I have always loved my children; there is no point where even in the height of shouting about something or telling them to shut it, that I don't love them.

When they were babies I was totally in love with them, just counted fingers and toes all the time and cried because I couldn’t believe how beautiful they were (still are too) and that I had produced them. Honestly I gave my husband no credit at all. I was thankful to God and impressed with myself. I know it’s ridiculous and even more so because they both look like dad not like me (I just got the stretch-marks and c-section scars). Oh and that baby smell, oh that baby smell, nothing smells better than your baby (apart form poo time, of course). 

Then I think I stopped being in love with them and I just loved them, but loved them completely, but that awe, that heart stopping breath taking, crying love, had chilled out. 

I have noticed as they get older, Boy 7 and Girl 5, I am experiencing that in love feeling again, they say something, or do something and it takes my breath away. I am in awe of what they can do, the way they think the conversations that they have. They are far more advanced than I was at their age, I really do think they are brilliant. 

I constantly have to remind my girl she is 5 I swear, she thinks she is 21 and the way she talks, they things she says, her use of logic and the ways she moves; she is a little woman, worrying so sometimes, but stunning. I find myself thinking 'when I grow up I want to be just like you'. She is so determined and strong willed, I do I want to be like her, I think maybe I once was.

Then there is my boy, my smart, thinker of a child, who is a sensitive soul always on a quest for answers and solutions. Trying to work out how the world works and his place in it. I often think, don’t change, you will grow to be such a good man, just don’t change, but of course he will.

In short my children are amazing, remarkable, wonderful and incredible; I just thought I would share that with you. 

Xx 

So why am I still here

If anyone is reading this you maybe thinking why doesn't she just leave?

I am scared
I am weak 
I am trying to be strong and courageous.
But it doesn't feel like that's who I am any more. 
Where is the girl I used to be?


He will not leave, he says he will not walk away from the house, not me, not the marriage, not our kids. But this silly fixeruper that we bought, that we never fixed up, as the children came along and that is where our money went. If we aren't in negative equity we are near enough. But no.
So it looks like, me and my children will have to face even more disruption and walk away from our home, their school, friends etc....
This makes me so angry. Why can't he see that it best thing for our children for him to go.


He just doesn't take me seriously. I have asked him to go, so many times, but no, he will not budge. But why??? He doesn't love me. I know he doesn't, I live with him, we hardly speak to each other, we are rarely in the same room. He spends all his time on his phone, or sending various single man type text on his phone and emails to various women, I know this, because I used to care so, I used to check. Thank God he works nights and I work days, I can't imagine if we had to spend more time together. 


For me to go with my children, I need funds. It seems my husband will not support us if I go, so if I do screwed am I. No screwed are me and my children. 


I earn a good wage and yes while in this marriage he contributes. So now as of this month I am hiding away bits of money from myself and from him.


I hope that by the begin of next year I will be able to make my move, one way or another.


I'm trying to think ahead.
Play the long game 
Just hold on. 
There is so much to consider, so much to take into account, my head spins, I just feel like I am going to fail my children and mess up everything for them. Is it better just to stay?


That's why I need this blog, I have to keep my head up, keep planning, keep looking ahead but not let it show, just in case he pulls the plug, I hate to think what could be the consequences of him finding out that I am planning an exit.


I am fighting to keep my sanity

Why I need to leave

My children

I want them to know who I am. I need them to know who their mummy is. I am funny, I laugh, I can be full of joy.


I don't think my two see enough of me being me. They see me smile, but they see me worry and limit myself and long for something more.
I want my daughter to know she is worth something, she is worth someones time and their commitment and their attention. I want her to be free to be herself knowing only she limits herself. 
I am not teaching her that. If I stay I only teach her limits and living a life that shadow of what it can be, what it should be.


I need my boy to value women. To love and respect women, to see us as equals, not people who are silly and to be belittled devalued and laughed at for having feelings and emotions.
My boy worships me, but if he learns from the relationship I have with his father what am I teaching him? There is little positivity in our relationship, other than we are still a two parent 'family'. I put less value in that everyday, what is the point in having two parents when they don't function as a unit?


My children, my loves of my life so much responsibility rest upon me as their parent to teach them and nurture them. 
You just never know if you are doing the right thing. I always feel like I am getting it wrong and the one thing that my husband and I do right is that we both love our babies, yes we show this love differently but there is love. My children love their father. I do not wish to exclude him from their life, and I love them too much to wish him away. I just need to be free of him, I need for him not to be the other half of me, but I want him to remain a part of their lives.


How do you do this? How do you do what is right for you, your children and the future. How????? How do you get it right?