Well I decided that my next entry was going
to be a positive one about my little girl’s first performance on stage, (I can
be positive; I know it is just not coming across).
She was fabulous, she was a real star and I
don’t mind telling you I didn’t think she would be that good, but I was so
impressed I thought I would combust with pride. We went to see her as a family,
the first thing we have done as a family for awhile and her brother thought she
was fab too, and my 7 year old boy isn’t easy to please and he said he would
give her 3 stars (high praise). Daddy too was pleased and he made a big show of
making sure our baby knew how proud he was. Friday was a good night a really
good night. She performed on Sunday too, but I didn’t watch the repeat
performance but she was please with herself, I don’t remember being that brave
at 5 years old.
However, then the Jubilee weekend went
downhill from there.
This is what happens when you bottle things
up and try and keep quiet, at least this is what happens to me. You don’t need
to speak your mind all the time, but it is never a good idea to keep it all
stored up, I'm sure it is not healthy either, but I try and remind myself to
make an effort for the children.
Saturday night, Sunday night Monday night,
my husband went out and slept all day in the day. It has rained non-stop and my
poor children have been wonderful but have had no family time since Friday, as
daddy has slept all day or being in the process of going out. As much as my
husband and I don’t see eye to eye I think every effort should be made for the
children.
Sunday night he went out without even a
goodbye, the children were still awake and very much aware of Daddy walking
out. He then came back after they went to bed. So I couldn’t hold my peace and
asked if he felt that was the way to behave in front of the children, things then
escalated and I asked him, why are you still here, I don’t want you here you don’t
want to be here. I got nothing in response he just went back out again. Me, I
cried myself to sleep, feeling a fool.
Today, he takes my car and once again
disappears, I had plans, but oh no he has gone with my flaming car, so yes I sat
and flumed until his return. I tried to be calm but I just couldn’t do it. I
sent the kids outside in coats and proceeded to explode like a small atom bomb.
I have no real idea of what I said, but I know I begged him to leave, told him
if he didn’t I would have to go and this madness was damaging for the children.
He then said he wouldn’t leave his house unless I paid him, which made me
worse. I told him I had done my research and I could get my name taken of the
deed , so I said fine you can have the house the bills the lot I will move away
with our children ( I have no clue if what I said is true), I went on about
checking out getting a quickie divorce on line. At that point he seemed to get
it. Or at least for a while at least, when I saw that he seemed to be paying
attention I calmed down and offered to help him find somewhere and pay the
first month’s rent. Fool I know but anything to end this torture. He said ok, I
almost fell over; I was so pleased I started talking total rubbish about
timelines and other such nonsense. Then we started to talk to each other, as in
talking like normal people talk, we talked about how we needed to learn to be
friends for the sake of the children and I agreed I would never keep him from
his children. We agreed it was for the best and needed and then he went out
again (don’t ask me where he is going, I don’t know, I don’t care).
I then start getting stupid text messages
about, how much he will miss me and how hard I will find everything. After the
3rd text message I respond with, yes I will miss you being there for
the children but none of us are happy and while I will cry for a long time,
sooner or later the tears will stop and I will be happy again.
I have no idea what is going on, I am not
sure what he is thinking and we are just not used to talking to each other and I
don’t think either of us know how to do it. He says I talk in a way that
provokes him and I feel much the same way about him. So I’m still in limbo,
just a bit less of it.
I feel better in a way as I feel it’s all
there, he cannot seriously just think it’s all talk any more, but as for what
happens next and when I am still none the wiser.
It has been a very odd weekend, no more
jubilees please. God Save the Queen.